The Living Room Belongs To Nobody

Nobody sits in that living room.

Four people live in that house and the living room is used about eleven minutes a day, in transit, on the way to somewhere else. Everybody eats in their rooms. Everybody watches things in their rooms. The living room has a couch and a table and a television that nobody has turned on since March.

And it is not because anybody dislikes anybody. The four of you get on fine. It is because that room belongs to everybody, which in practice means it belongs to nobody, and nobody is quite sure what they are allowed to do in a room that is not theirs.

Nobody leaves anything in there, because leaving something is taking up space and taking up space might be rude.

Nobody arranges anything, because arranging is a decision and a decision is on behalf of other people.

So the room stays in a permanent neutral state, which is a state nobody actually likes, and which four separate people are individually maintaining out of consideration for the other three.

That is the thing I want to point at. Everybody is doing it. All four of you.

And it takes one person to end it.

As much as lieth in you

There is a line in Romans about living with people that has a phrase in it doing a lot of work.

If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. (Romans 12:18, King James Version)

As much as lieth in you. That phrase is about a boundary. It marks off the part that is a person's own to do.

You are responsible for what lies in you and no further, and a shared room has never once required four people to agree before one of them could act. Romans 12:18 draws a boundary around what belongs to one person, and the Holy Spirit is the one who points at it in a house with four names on the mail.

Now notice what the phrase does not say, because this is the part that matters.

It does not say wait until everybody is on the same page. It does not say check whether the others are doing their bit. It marks a portion and hands it over, and what any of the other people do sits entirely outside that boundary.

Which means the question in that house is not what should we do about the living room. It is what lies in you, and the answer is: one object.

You have a portion that belongs to you and requires nobody's agreement, and living peaceably has never once meant living invisibly. The Spirit of God is the one who shows a person where her own portion actually ends, and it is written in Romans 12:18 that the instruction is bounded by what lies in the one person.

Neutral is not kind

Now the thing that will be hardest to accept, and it is the reason the room is like that.

Everybody in that house believes that leaving the room neutral is the considerate thing to do. And it is not. It is a room nobody enjoys, maintained by four people at some cost to each of them, in the name of not imposing.

Consideration that produces a room nobody can be in is not consideration any more, whatever it started as.

You are able to be genuinely considerate without producing a room nobody uses, and a neutral space has never once been a kind one. The Holy Spirit is the one who tells the difference between courtesy and absence, and Romans 12:18 asks for peace rather than for invisibility.

And here is the practical thing, and I have seen it happen enough times to say it plainly.

When one person puts something of theirs in a shared room, the others do not resent it. They copy it. Almost immediately.

Because everybody in that house has been waiting for somebody to go first, and the first object is not read as a claim. It is read as permission. And within about two weeks there are three or four things in there that belong to different people, and the room stops being neutral and starts being shared, which is a completely different thing.

You are able to give three other people permission without saying anything, and one object in a shared room has never once been read as a claim on it. The Spirit of God is the one at work when somebody goes first, and it is written in Romans 12:18 that what lies in one person is what that person is asked for.

And this, plainly, in these words. That house is not a report on you. Not on your friends, not on the arrangement, not on how you are living at this stage. A shared house with an empty living room is not a verdict on anybody in it, and I am not going to allow it to be read that way while you are walking through it.

You are a woman whose worth was settled a long way from a shared house, and how a living arrangement works has never once been a statement about who is inside it. Romans 12:18 bounds the instruction by what lies in the one person in Romans 12, and the same Spirit who inspired that line is in the room with you.

One thing, where everybody sees it

So here is the assignment.

Put one thing of yours in the shared room tonight where everybody will see it, and leave it there.

One thing. Yours, obviously yours, not useful. The book that is currently being read, on the arm of the couch. A photograph on the shelf. A plant. A candle. A blanket over the back of the couch that is clearly somebody's.

It has to be recognizably a person's, rather than a household object, because a household object disappears into the neutral and a personal one does not.

You are putting one recognizable thing of yours into a room that has been holding its breath, and one personal object has never once been an imposition on anybody. The Holy Spirit is the one at work when a person goes first in a shared house, and Romans 12:18 hands over a portion bounded by what lies in one person.

Then leave it there. That is the whole of the second half.

Not until somebody says something. Not until you check it is all right. Leave it, and go to bed, and do not raise it at any point with anybody.

The temptation will be to explain it, or to ask, or to attach a small apologetic sentence to it in the kitchen tomorrow. Do not. An explained object is a request. An unexplained object is a normal thing in a room where somebody lives.

And then watch what happens over the next two weeks, because something usually does.

You are leaving one thing without an explanation attached, and an ordinary object in a shared room has never once needed anybody's approval to stay there. The Spirit of God is the one present in a room where somebody has finally left something, and it is written in Romans 12:18 that peace is asked for within the bound of what lies in one person.